Wanting change
by Saya.Y-Lover
Summary: Sesshomaru failed. failed in being a brother, in being a mate, in being a farther. will he have the chance to do right to his wrongs? will it work? see him slowly walk forwards onto the right path. sess/inu. Mpreg.
1. Prologue

Summary: Sesshomaru failed. Failed at being a brother, at being a mate, at being a father. Will he have the chance to do right to his wrongs? Will it work? See him slowly walk forwards onto the right path. Sess/Inu. Mpreg.

Paring: sess/inu

Rating: T... mayby M later on if im feeling comferdent with my writting skills

I don't own Inuyasha and wont make any monney from this.

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><p>lots and lots of thanks to my new Beta: Kyuubiluver<p>

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><p>"Normal Dialogue"<p>

"_Character Thoughts"_

"_Imagination/Flashback"_

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><p><strong>Wanting Change<strong>

**Prologue**

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><p>...Drip...<p>

…

...drip...

.…..

He wondered if the reason why everything is the way it is. Was it completely his fault?

...drip…

…

Looking over the motionless body that lay not 3 feet away from where he stood, Sesshomaru could not help, but think that if there was one thing he could do over, on thing he could stop himself from doing again, it would be the last 60 or so years of his life.

.…..

...drip...

.…..

He looked deep into the eyes that stared blankly back at him...eyes so like his own, but without even a drop of emotion, of feeling, of _any_ life. It was disturbing on so many levels.

...drip...

.…..

Sesshomaru wondered when it was that he began to feel this way. Was it before or after he failed in his ways. Before or after he lost himself and the reason why he did the things that he did.

.…..

...drip...

He wanted so much to just go over there and hold the pale body close to him. To say he was sorry. To beg for forgiveness. To swear that he would never make the same mistakes again, _anything_ to get the other to say something back to him.

.…..

...drip...

.…..

But he wouldn't. Because he was Sesshomaru. Because he was a lord, a Daiyokai, who had no emotions.

.…..

...drip...

..….

Because he couldn't take the risk upon himself... if the other was to flinch upon his touch.

.…..

...drip...

..….

So, he stared. Stared at his brother, stared at Inuyasha, stared at the bearer of his child. Stared at Inuyasha, wild, free Inuyasha ... strapped to his bed with nothing more than his own lifelessness.

...drip...

.…..

...drip...

.…..

...drip...

And, not for the first time in the last 60 or so years...

...he regretted...

.…..

...drip...

...

With nothing, but his own bloody tears as his company.

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><p><em><strong>To Be Continued…<strong>_

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><p>AN: sorry to my readers for reposting this small piece again, just a few little mistakes that we had to fix.

chapter one will be up soon, so please look forward to that.


	2. Chapter 1

Summary: Sesshomaru failed. Failed at being a brother, at being a mate, at being a father. Will he have the chance to do right to his wrongs? Will it work? See him slowly walk forwards onto the right path. Sess/Inu. Mpreg.

Paring: Sess/Inu

Rating: T... mayby M later on if im feeling comferdent with my writting skills

I don't own Inuyasha and wont make any monney from this.

* * *

><p>"Normal Dialogue"<p>

"_Character Thoughts"_

"_Imagination/Flashback"_

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

Normal POV

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><p>Sesshomaru was once again in Inuyasha's room. He stood near the wide open balcony widow, looking out towards the night sky. It was a clear night tonight, a beautiful night tonight. As Sesshomaru glanced back into the room, he wished he could have said the same with what he saw.<p>

Everything one needed to feel comfortable was supplied in the room: a large bed, a fancy closet, a study desk and a door leading to a well stocked bathroom. The room was large, to say the least. That never changed the fact it was cold in there.

Cold in not only the sense of temperature, but also in the sense of sensations, of emotions. Basically, it felt really empty. That said, when he had first placed Inuyasha into this room, he had feared that Inuyasha might try to run. To escape. Now he only wished it was possible.

At least then he would have some response from Inuyasha. Something other than the lifelessness that seemed to spread from his brother to the rest of the castle more and more as time went by. Life seemed to be drained out on you within the first steps into the room. Sesshomaru didn't know how to change that fact. He guessed it was mostly for the lack of trying that things turned out the way it did.

He had a mate, he had his heir. He had assumed that everything was as it should be and, in the process, over-looked the biggest flaw: himself. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't even really remember his son's age. Was he 57 or 58 this year?

He had no one to blame, but himself though.

Sure, he could claim that he was worried over his mate, but that was only an excuse. Sesshomaru knew, deep down, that no matter what he said, his son would blame no one, but him. After all, he had done the same, had he not? Sesshomaru could see now, see that, even with all his past achievements, he turned out no better than the one person he tried so hard not to be. His father.

He, Sesshomaru, had often blamed his father for his coldness. Blamed his father for abandoning his mother while he was so young. He had always promised himself that he would turn out different. That he would be a proud Daiyokai. A Daiyokai who had honor.

Honor so unquestionable that even the people who had left him would regret not being by his side, but it was all for not now, wasn't it? He had ended up blocking his emotions so well that he had no choice, but to force his brother into a deadlock mateship. Having to leave behind his pack had only been the first of many things that Inuyasha had to give up.

Why couldn't he, Sesshomaru, have seen the many wrongs that he had committed until now? Why couldn't Sesshomaru see all this before it was too late to change? Now he had to watch as his heir, his only son, closing up into himself as well. Or was it that he was never open to begin with?

What was the point of naming him Toshiyuki (1) if he was never going to show any emotion, let alone happiness? Maybe Inuyasha could have found a better name for the pup. Maybe Inuyasha could make the child speak. Help the child grow. Maybe Inuyasha cou..

_Knock, knock_

Sesshomaru was forced out of his musings as the large door was opened to reveal one of the maids that took care of his son. She bowed as she saw that Sesshomaru was in the room. Sesshomaru nodded his head to her; He did not feel in the mood to talk. He never really did anymore.

The maid quickly nodded behind her. Sesshomaru watched as she and another maid brought in his son, each holding him by the wrist as he refused to let anyone, let alone the maids, hold his hand.

Sesshomaru's frozen heart seemed to ache every time he saw his son. It wasn't like their son was hard on the eyes. His eyes were large and golden just like Inuyasha's. He was a pure youkai, so he didn't have Inuyasha's ears and, although he didn't have Sesshomaru's cheek markings, he had Sesshomaru's crescent moon and two mirrored messy slashes running under and away from his moon marking. It reminded Sesshomaru of when the moon comes out after hiding behind the clouds for a while.

His son looked almost like a fallen angel. The only problem was that unlike normal youkai, who aged rapidly for the first year of life and then slowing down slowly over time to almost nonexistence ageing once maturity was reached, Toshiyuki was and had been for the past 5 decades quite literally stuck in the body of a two year old.

That detail, compared to everything else, Sesshomaru could have overlooked. Sesshomaru loved his son; even if he had been a half breed and was not attractive Sesshomaru would have loved his son. What he couldn't overlook though, was the fact that his son was slowly and painfully starving himself to stay in the state that he did.

Normally, because of the way they are birthed, pure youkai newborn pups would stay in the body of their bearer for about 25 months, just a little over two years. After a somewhat painful birth, they would feed on their bearer's blood for the first year or two, depending of the strength of their youkai.

Once the pup developed past the physical age of three, they could slowly be introduced to solid foods. This was mainly because a youkai's body differed from that of humans. Even with all the extra time in the womb, at birth, they don't have a fully functional digestive system. It was and still is one of the main reasons why there are not that many pure youkai around. Their parents are killed before they have the chance to survive on their own.

That said, part youkai or multi-mixed trash youkai like the human spider cross breed scavengers are on a different scale, a scale so low that they have no chance to even compare to pure youkai, let alone the one of the inu line, are completely different. They could most likely breed and live though anything as long as there is something to feed on.

When it came to Toshiyuki however, Sesshomaru had no idea what was wrong. It was not for a lack of trying though.

Sesshomaru had, had the best healers he could find come from all over the country to see if they could help his son. If she were still alive, then Sesshomaru would have even tried the old priest at Inuyasha's village. Sadly she departed a long time ago and there was nothing that Sesshomaru could do to change that.

Sesshomaru watched from the corner of his eyes as the maids lead Toshiyuki to Inuyasha's bed. Toshiyuki climbed onto the bed himself, weak digestive system aside, Toshiyuki's muscles were stronger than an adult human.

The maids widened the collar of Inuyasha's white kimono as Toshiyuki leaned down to bite into Inuyasha's neck. Sesshomaru had often wondered if Inuyasha ever felt any pain from feeding their son, it was not meant to be painful, but looking into his eyes, it seem had no affect as Inuyasha showed no emotion there.

Toshiyuki only feed from Inuyasha a minute at most, with the state that Inuyasha was in, his body could barely function as it was, let alone for another.

Toshiyuki seemed to be able to sense that fact with his instincts and when the maids had tried to bring the child in to feed more often, it had the opposite affect and made Toshiyuki drink less and less.

Inuyasha had stopped responding long before Toshiyuki was born so Sesshomaru did not know what his son's feeling for his bearer were. It would still be about midday tomorrow when Toshiyuki would be brought back for the purpose of a meal. Sesshomaru didn't know whether to be relieved that his son loved his bearer to some degree or grief over the fact that because of that, Sesshomaru was slowly losing both his mate and child.

The maids left when they saw that Toshiyuki was not leaving Inuyasha tonight. Although the boy had his own room, it was not unusual for the boy to be found in Inuyasha's room whenever he was not being groomed by the maids. It seemed to be one of the things Toshiyuki enjoyed the most; sleeping while lying across Inuyasha's body, sharing what little heat his small body could give to his bearer.

Sesshomaru once again, not for the first time, watched from the corner of his eyes as his son seemed to cling to Inuyasha like a lifeline. Sesshomaru wished he could do the same.

Usually Sesshomaru would just stay in his family presence for a few hours more before he retired to his own room. This night though, Sesshomaru gathered up all his courage and walked the 3 small steps to Inuyasha's bed.

A few minutes pasted before Sesshomaru made his move. Toshiyuki was silent, as always, as Sesshomaru for the first time in as long as the small boy could remember, came within touching distance to his birth farther.

Slowly Toshiyuki watched as a lean, elegant but hesitant hand rose to touch Inuyasha's unmoving hand. Inuyasha seemed to close his eyes and slightly flinch. It was barely noticeable, the fact that Inuyasha moved, but Sesshomaru had been watching Inuyasha closely for that type of sign and so he stepped back in shock and hurt.

Silence rang throughout the room before Sesshomaru turned and walked out as fast as he could.

In his rush, Sesshomaru missed the sight gasp Toshiyuki let out as for the first time as weak, shaky arms rose up to hug him close.

Sesshomaru also missed the small, almost nonexistent whisper of a name from a grief struck voice.

..."_Sesshomaru"_

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><p><em>To Bo Continued…<em>

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><p>(1) Thee name Toshiyuki is of Japanese origin and means "alert and happy".<p>

A/N: well that was chapter one, tell me what you all think ok?


	3. AN

A/N

sorry for not updating everyone !

I've been verry busy lately - it was me and my friends Bdays -all back to back - evey past weekend (time when i usually type and read) and i had no time to type.

also, I hate to say this but, im not going to be updating any time soon either, its end of the financial year soon and I'm going to get verry busy at my workplace - I work in the HR section of my workplace.

I'm also really more of a dedicated reader then aurthor and am behind on all of the stories i was following - seriousely, one mounth of not reading/following/keeping up and now I have more than 50 chapters in different stories to chatch up on - so when i do come back in a few more weeks (maybe more) I'm going to be a little selfish and read all them (pluse the more that are on their way) before I start writting again.

I'll make it up to all my followers (even though i dont have many or that much of a story right now...) by posting up 2 chapters when i come back.

also sorry to my beta - kyuubiluver - (if your reading this) and hope you'll still help me with my spelling when i'm back.

so don't worry and i will be back.


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